Panic Attack Hangover: The Aftermath

When most people think of panic attacks, a certain image comes to mind. Maybe it’s one of someone sitting on the floor in a far corner, or on a chair bent over, hands over their ears, or on their head, hyperventilating and struggling to breathe normally. For some, that’s the case. …

Need Feedback

I am bored and need feedback on writing. Here are the first two pages of what I wrote tonight. Have fun and let me know your thoughts good, bad, or otherwise. ~Day 1~ On the day everything went to hell, Catherine Dawson sat across from me, with her chestnut hair …

Defying Gravity (and Religion)

Dear Lovelies, The words Elphaba sings in Defying Gravity are a testament to where I am right now: “Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. …

Being in a State of Unicorn

Yesterday, J. suggested, in the middle of our conversation, that I write down every emotion I was afraid to face and name while going through this process, this balancing act, of belief. The first thing I wrote down was “confused.” That one came too easily, followed by more expected feelings …

Return from Hiatus: Questioning Everything

Dear Lovelies, I know I’ve been away from you guys for a while, sorry about that. I took a break because I’m still, 3 months later, trying to figure out what my beliefs are and trying to discover what I’m actually leaving: God or the church? I don’t think there’s …

Writing in the Midst of a Flashback

6 A.M. A nurse disturbs my nightmares, and temporarily prevents me from my ritual of staring at the wall upon sweating myself awake, to take my vitals. She wants to make sure I’m still alive, even though, by virtue of this place, I am considered one of the walking dead. …

Crisis in Church

I woke up this morning to the sound of my mother playing Gospel music, the kind I hadn’t heard since I was a little girl, and I immediately felt the disconnect, the vague sense of nothingness that enveloped my soul and left me feeling numb, like nothing mattered. I almost …

Diagnosis 2005

When your neurologist tells you, at 14, that you have cerebral palsy, thank her for giving you the long-awaited answer to the problem you couldn’t name. When you later realize that the diagnosis came 13 years too late, do not spend all of your sixth period advanced algebra math class …

A Letter to My Abuser

Dear Voldemort, I am not a social butterfly, but you took me under your wings and, for a time, made me feel like I could soar. I know that’s cliché, especially considering all the future pain you would cause, but for a little while, it was true. By watching you, …

When Forgiveness Doesn’t Eradicate PTSD

As a Christian, I’m supposed to forgive everyone so that God can forgive me of my sins. I was once an enemy of the Most High, so who am I not to forgive someone who wrongs me when God forgave me of all my junk? Easy, right? No, not really. …