Viewing God Through the Lens of Trauma

Earlier today, I read through my friend Michael Patton’s post “On Leaving My First Love” and found similarities between where he was years ago and where I find myself now. In it, he speaks of his life’s difficulties, arguing with God, and finally coming to a place of surrender. I …

An Honest Conversation about Suicide

I did not want to write this, but it needed to be said. This is hard for me. Please give me grace. An Honest and Vulnerable Prayer God, please, if You are, at all, merciful like they say You are, like I know You to be, please kill me. Please. …

Reblog: 7 Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Christian

Dear Lovelies, I recently read a blog by Michael Patton over at Parchment and Pen (part of CredoHouse Ministries) and, with his permission, I’m reblogging because his words ring true and need to be heard not just by me but others as well. Handling a Depressed Christian As many of …

If Chester Bennington Could Have Listened to Dear Evan Hansen, Would it Have Changed His Life?

That’s a dangerous and important question. I don’t know the answer to that, only God does, but it plagues me just the same. The anniversary of his death is approaching us soon and I know a lot of people just like myself are going to be affected by it. It …

Hanging in the Balance

I woke up this morning thinking about ways to die by suicide. But before I opened my laptop to research flights to the Golden Gate Bridge, I thought about last night. I thought about the NF jam session I had with my friend on the way to mid-week service. I …

Reasons to Stay (During the Nights when Depression Makes You Want to Quit)

I think God would be sad if you came home early. There’s ice cream still in the freezer. You haven’t learned/mastered that Chicken Marsala recipe yet. You still haven’t written your book yet (think of your characters!). You wouldn’t want to miss the next Hamildrop, would you? There are still …

6 Reasons for Midnight Tears

I’m sitting on my bed, crying because all the floors in my parents’ house are tile, which is a problem because I want to sit and be as small as possible but I can’t because tile hurts differently than carpet. I’m crying because this is the second, no, third anxiety …

On the Rare Mornings I Feel Too Much

On the rare mornings I feel too much, my heart slams itself against my trachea and the world nestles hard on my esophagus. It is not unlike a hummingbird flinging itself against a still, sharp, rain-washed window. On the rare mornings I feel too much, my breathing collapses upon itself, …

The Art of Sexual Grooming

Step 1: Befriend someone and study her like scientists examine microscopic organisms beneath the ocean’s surface. Learn her likes, dislikes, if she hates her parents and why. Step 2: After learning that she’s a loner looking for simple companionship, start eroding her carefully constructed walls, break down bricks with warm …

There’s Always Tomorrow to Kill Yourself (Except Not Really-Psalm 116:9)

After I hopped out of the shower tonight, fully comfy in my pajamas, my eyes fell on my covenant ring and its corresponding verse popped up in my memory: Psalm 116:9. For reference, the verse simply states, “I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” Just …