If Chester Bennington Could Have Listened to Dear Evan Hansen, Would it Have Changed His Life?

That’s a dangerous and important question. I don’t know the answer to that, only God does, but it plagues me just the same. The anniversary of his death is approaching us soon and I know a lot of people just like myself are going to be affected by it. It …

Hanging in the Balance

I woke up this morning thinking about ways to die by suicide. But before I opened my laptop to research flights to the Golden Gate Bridge, I thought about last night. I thought about the NF jam session I had with my friend on the way to mid-week service. I …

Reasons to Stay (During the Nights when Depression Makes You Want to Quit)

I think God would be sad if you came home early. There’s ice cream still in the freezer. You haven’t learned/mastered that Chicken Marsala recipe yet. You still haven’t written your book yet (think of your characters!). You wouldn’t want to miss the next Hamildrop, would you? There are still …

6 Reasons for Midnight Tears

I’m sitting on my bed, crying because all the floors in my parents’ house are tile, which is a problem because I want to sit and be as small as possible but I can’t because tile hurts differently than carpet. I’m crying because this is the second, no, third anxiety …

On the Rare Mornings I Feel Too Much

On the rare mornings I feel too much, my heart slams itself against my trachea and the world nestles hard on my esophagus. It is not unlike a hummingbird flinging itself against a still, sharp, rain-washed window. On the rare mornings I feel too much, my breathing collapses upon itself, …

The Art of Sexual Grooming

Step 1: Befriend someone and study her like scientists examine microscopic organisms beneath the ocean’s surface. Learn her likes, dislikes, if she hates her parents and why. Step 2: After learning that she’s a loner looking for simple companionship, start eroding her carefully constructed walls, break down bricks with warm …

There’s Always Tomorrow to Kill Yourself (Except Not Really-Psalm 116:9)

After I hopped out of the shower tonight, fully comfy in my pajamas, my eyes fell on my covenant ring and its corresponding verse popped up in my memory: Psalm 116:9. For reference, the verse simply states, “I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” Just …

Don’t Drink the Fabuloso: For Suicidal Christians Too Afraid (or Too Condemned) to Ask for Help

Yes, you read the title right. Do not freak out. For my charismatic believers, do not get the holy oil and start speaking in tongues and/or casting out demons that may not actually be there. Just let me explain. A Brief Synopsis of My Mental State I am not okay. …

A Fictional Psychological Scene: Is it Believable?

Dear Lovelies, I am awake and writing because I have horrible insomnia. I wrote this scene that may or may not go into the novel that I’ve been writing off and on for three years now (For more info about the writing process, you can read here and here). Sexual …

A Diagnosis is NOT a Life Sentence

Dear Lovelies, It’s 4:08 in the morning as I type this. The reason I’m up this early is that I was thinking of the past few years of my life, as it relates to thorns in my flesh. I was thinking about the conversation I had with my friend, and …