The words Elphaba sings in Defying Gravity are a testament to where I am right now: “Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!” (If you didn’t sing that in your head, you’re a liar. I know you did!)
It’s funny and interesting the things you can learn and discover while taking a walk. Friday afternoon, I walked home from the bus stop, which is a good half-mile distance. Given that my quads and calves were already screaming from standing in one place since early morning (cashier life), I was dreading this walk especially when grey storm clouds loomed overhead like a bad omen.
On this walk, there is a steep hill that is horrendous to travel on whether going up or down it. My main concern was that I wouldn’t lose my balance, or if I did, that it wouldn’t cause my kneecaps to dislocate, as they often do (gotta love cerebral palsy; it definitely keeps life interesting!) Anyway, I’m making my way down this hill, my clothes and body sticky from sweat, trying to beat the rain. Finally, my house came into view. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank you, God, for letting me get home before it rained.” I paused. Considered what I had just said. Repeated it. It shook me. It shook me because I meant it.
Just a minuscule event: getting home before it rained, but something changed. I still don’t know what or why that moment, as opposed to another, like when I’m in church, but it happened. It wasn’t a huge thing. The heavens didn’t open and I heard no chorus of angels singing, just a small shift within. At the time of this writing, I have not yet prayed and I think I have more questions than answers currently. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I should approach God; maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m thinking too much. I admit, it feels weird on my part, like getting reacquainted with an ex. It’s awkward and kind of scary, but exciting too. Something has changed within me and I wanna see where it leads. I think I’m ready to come back home now.