Return from Hiatus: Questioning Everything

Dear Lovelies,

I know I’ve been away from you guys for a while, sorry about that. I took a break because I’m still, 3 months later, trying to figure out what my beliefs are and trying to discover what I’m actually leaving: God or the church? I don’t think there’s an easy answer because those two entities, for me, are so closely linked together. So many questions in my mind:

Does a Christian have to go to church to be a Christian?

Can a person be good without God?

Why do so many people use fear tactics as a means for promoting their religious message (i.e. “Believe in the Gospel or you’ll burn in Hell!)?

Why let a book over 2,000 years old dictate one’s life?

Is God’s love and character truly unconditionally and unchanging?

Is one less of a Christian for having mental illnesses?

And many others in that line of thinking.

This process, this place I’m in is hard as I have lost friends whose only concern now is preaching at me as if I were an atheist and not an ex-student of the ancient script. I have made new friends who are Christian, and they are sweet and gracious, but I keep wondering if/when they, too, will leave me because of our different beliefs? I will admit that part of me misses the close relationship I had with God, but Christianity, Christian culture, and “Christians’ who either act like they have a stick up their butt and are so “holy” they ignore reality, or those who abuse others in the name of religion have all left a bad taste in my mouth; so much so that I want nothing to do with Christianity or the Church.

Yes, I know I’m kinda throwing the baby out with the bath water, but at this point, I’m sick of being hurt by untrustworthy people who claim to be Christians. Sick of having to put on a smile and pretend that everything in my world is fine when it’s not. I’m sick of “living in faith” and denying that my reality hurts. I’m sick of the easy, Christian pat answers that do nothing but make me feel more guilty and alone in my mental anguish than I already do. But I could be wrong. (I also recognize that I’ve contradicted myself somewhere in this post. More evidence of my confusion!) I don’t where this path I’m on will lead me but I’ll see it through.

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